My Double Life

It was Friday night and I was off to a wine and cheese tasting event with R. This was particularly intriguing because we don’t drink wine. We arrive at the home of one of the partners in the firm. It is located right on the Lake and has a beautiful view. Although the yard is not large, it is beautifully landscaped with tropical plants that have grown tall enough to hide the neighbors’ homes on both sides. There are several large tables set up on the patio with white and navy blue tablecloths. Each place setting with a small plate, a napkin, and two wine goblets.

It was Saturday afternoon and R was working so I brought the kids for a shopping trip to Target. I pulled into the crowded parking lot and circled a few times to get a space that is close enough for me to get everyone into the store quickly without the possibility of losing one on the way in. Having the two toddlers I opt for the huge cart with the big plastic attachment for seating two small children (you know the ones that add an extra four feet of length to the cart). I attempt to put S in the cart’s seat, but she kicks and fusses like crazy because she wants to sit in the big plastic thing by HB. So I move her there and off we go in this huge cart that takes some serious steering to avoid hitting other shoppers. Not only is this thing incredibly long, it is also surprisingly loud. I feel as though I am a mini thunderstorm tearing through the store. We’ve just entered and people turn and give me a half smile as they notice the parade rumbling down the isle. The storm is about to pick up because we’re heading for the toy isles.

We arrive on time to the partner’s home after securing our children with a spunky, fun babysitter and walk past the lovely tables to the gazebo area below right next to the water. The ducks are swimming by, a cool breeze blows, and everyone is smiling politely, shaking hands, and making pleasant conversation. We are instantly greeted with big smiles and happy hellos, and offered a drink. We each take a bottle of water and start mingling.

H has some birthday and chore money that he is dying to spend and this is the trip for it. He saw an inflatable air mattress that he says will be perfect for the traveling we’ll do this summer. As soon as HB sees anything with a Disney princess on it she wants out of the giant cart and is soon pulling things off of shelves and bringing me princess toys while exclaiming, “Mommy, my fave it!” And I answer her with phrases like, “oh, that costs a lot of dollars, I think we should keep looking.” To which she responds with wailing and pleading. S wants out now too and she is climbing around the big plastic seats with her little toes starting to pop out of her sandals. She gets her foot stuck in the cart and starts to cry. I pick her up, but she squirms out of my arms not wanting to be held. She stands on the floor in front of me with her arms up still crying. I try to pick her up again, and she squirms down again. What does she want?!

Eventually we are called to sit down for the evening’s presentation. As I sit I notice that the wine glass that has been filled for everyone else has been mistakenly skipped for me. A lucky thing, being a non-drinker, so I turn one goblet upside down and fill the other with water to communicate to the waiter that I will not be drinking tonight. R’s has been filled, so he pushes it to the top of his place setting and we settle in. Nobody gives us a hard time about not drinking, nor do they ask why. So the remainder of the evening is spent listening and learning about wine, but not tasting it.

H and E are bringing me interesting toys and E comments, “If I buy this Spongebob game I’ll only have one dollar left. Never mind, I don’t want it. ” And she quickly turns and walks down the isle to look for a better choice. I start scanning the shelves to find where this toy belongs, and see S happily pushing buttons on a driving toy. “Perfect” I think, “She can sit in the cart and play with this while we finish up.” Of course I have no intention of buying the toy, just using it until we reach the checkout. I set her in the cart with the toy and she starts up her fit again. She has no interest in it, but now HB does. She positions herself on the ledge between the two seats (you know the part that has the picture of the kid sitting on it and a big red line through it) and starts playing with the driving toy, pushing buttons that beep and ring. I hold onto her with one hand and push the giant cart with the other as we thunder down the isle with S strapped tight into the cart screaming and kicking her legs wildly. I have now reached the point where I turn a corner to find that everyone on the other side of it is already looking at me to see what the heck is coming around that corner. I have learned the difference between the happy half smile an annoyed half smile, and the pitying half smile.

Tonight I learned that the thing commoners may refer to as an “aftertaste” is actually the “long flavor” of the wine. And before tasting it you swirl it around in the glass to check for clarity (no floaters), and that the alcohol content can be judged by the amount of clear liquid that drips down the sides of the glass after swirling it. There were also a variety of cheeses served. There were goat’s milk, sheep’s milk, or cow’s milk with sage and truffle additions and a bright orange blue cheese that I just couldn’t make myself try. At this sophisticated party people happily ate what was offered after the cheese expert explained about the edible mold that makes each cheese so special. At the end of the evening we thank our host and he and R discuss a project they’re working on as we walk to the front door. He and his wife wave good-bye and we stroll to our car and head for home.

H found what he came in for, so we rumble towards the checkout stands. I grabbed some milk, cereal, and other grocery items and got in a line. I ditched the toys that made there way into my cart including the beeping driver one, and breathe a sigh as it’s my turn to checkout. We’re almost done! I think about what an awesome mom I am for not giving in to any of HB’s princess demands or tantrums. A lady standing by the checkout with a clipboard asks me if I’m paying with a gift card to which I answer, “no.” I don’t know why she’s asking and I don’t care as long as she doesn’t ask me anything else. We made it out of Target and head for the minivan. As I buckle my kids in I think to myself, “Thank goodness for online shopping. I’m never going out again!”

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The summer brings a lot of events for the firm and after my Target experience we had a nice dinner at a beach restaurant called “The Cannery.” We noticed a film crew out on the dock, and were told they were filming for the show “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” One of the “housewives” was having a party on a boat that was docked there. I sat in the restaurant and looked down at my oversized white plate decorated with a swirl of orange mango sauce and topped with a perfectly lovely crab salad. As I look up I see the boat full of “real” people set off for the ocean. I realize that although I live in Orange County and catch glimpses of the lifestyle shown on the show, which by the way I have never seen, I would never qualify to be a “real housewife.” I might be a better candidate for Super Nanny. My show could be called, “The Normal Mom of Orange County,” anyone want to tune in?

Originally posted to my family blog June 2007